That Was the Week that Was

Holy Crap. Harpers.org gives you a rundown on the week:

WEEKLY REVIEW

It was Christmas. The Senate, with Dick Cheney casting the
deciding vote, cut $40 billion in funding for foster care,
child support, and student loans. U.S. Secretary of State
Condoleezza Rice asked Congress for $50 million to support
African troops in Darfur, but her request was rejected.
Americans had spent $18.48 billion on gift cards this
holiday season. The House voted to extend the Patriot Act
by five weeks. President George W. Bush called nine
U.S. servicemen and servicewomen and wished them a Merry
Christmas, while British Prime Minister Tony Blair visited
Iraq. It was revealed that undercover police in New York
City had infiltrated anti-war protests, street vigils, and
pro-bicycling rallies. At one march, police provoked
protesters--some of whom they later arrested--by staging a
fake arrest. The FBI was spying on Greenpeace, Catholic
Worker, the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee,
and PETA. It was reported that the United States had,
without warrants or court orders, been monitoring
radiation levels at over 100 Muslim mosques, homes,
businesses, and other sites in the Washington, D.C.,
area. It was also reported that the NSA had, with
Presidential approval but without warrants, spied on much
more Internet and phone traffic than was previously
acknowledged. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell said
that there was "absolutely nothing wrong" with President
Bush authorizing the NSA to eavesdrop on Americans.

A judge in Pennsylvania ruled that teaching Intelligent
Design in schools violated the constitutional separation
of church and state, while an appeals panel in Kentucky
ruled that a courthouse there could continue to display
the ten commandments because they are of "historical"
significance. "The First Amendment," wrote Circuit Judge
Richard Suhrheinrich, "does not demand a wall of
separation between church and state." The Supreme Court of
Canada ruled that swingers clubs do not harm
society. Montgomery County, Maryland, bought the original
Uncle Tom's cabin. Workers for the New York City Mass
Transit Authority went on strike for three days, and 4,000
London Tube workers voted to hold a 24-hour walkout on
December 31. Investigators in New York City were trying to
find out who stole Alistair Cooke's bones. Authorities in
Vienna, Austria, determined that people dressed as devils
can legally smack the rear ends of strangers on Christmas,
and Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ordered that all
western music be banned from state-controlled radio and TV
stations. In South Africa a mugger running from security
guards fled into a tiger enclosure, where he was mauled to
death. The United States denied Saddam Hussein's claim
that he had been tortured while imprisoned. "I have been
beaten on every place of my body," said Hussein, "and the
signs are all over my body." It was discovered that bad
hay had led to the deaths of 900 goats in Saskatchewan.

A senior member of the International Olympic Committee
revealed that London probably only won the right to host
the Olympics in 2012 because of a voting error. Prebiotic
organic molecules--which are found in DNA--were discovered
in constellation Ophiuchus, 375 light-years from earth. The
Pope was worried that "intellectual and technical
achievements" were leading to "spiritual barrenness and
emptiness of heart." A study found that good dancers are
sexually attractive because they are more symmetrical. In
Hubbard, Ohio, a Santa clutched his chest and collapsed as
he appeared before 750 elementary schoolchildren, and in
Warren, Michigan, a 14-year-old boy raped a 12-year-old
girl in a church bathroom during a Christmas play. In
Lawrence, Kansas, three women quit their gym because there
was a Christmas tree decorated with plastic fetuses in its
lobby. A Missouri woman swallowed a cell phone to keep it
away from her boyfriend. New rings were found around
Uranus, and gay marriage became legal in the U.K. Elton
John married his partner David Furnish in Windsor, and two
gay druids who perform in amateur pantomime productions
were registered as legal partners in Wrexham. Scientists
in Switzerland found that taking didgeridoo lessons cuts
down on snoring, while scientists in Mauritius discovered
the bones of 20 dodos. In the Isle of Wight, England,
authorities were looking for Toga, a three-month-old
Jackass penguin that they believe was stolen so that it
could be given as a Christmas present. "Toga," said a zoo
manager, "is very, very vulnerable."

-- Paul Ford